Written by Christa Welch, LCSW-C from The Better Center
The holiday season is here. For the families we see on TV, in our social media feeds, in our neighborhoods, and at our children’s schools, that usually means managing familiar stressors: cooking, shopping, baking, and maybe navigating a pointed comment from Aunt Linda at the Thanksgiving table.
For separated or divorced families, especially those co-parenting with a partner where communication is difficult, the holidays can bring additional challenges. Deciding where your child wakes up on Christmas morning, who will have the kids for Hanukkah or Thanksgiving, or spending a holiday without your children can all weigh heavily.
Raising children is hard work. Raising them as a single parent while navigating co-parenting, blended family dynamics, and the strong emotions that come with separation, all while protecting your children’s wellbeing, asks even more of us.
I know this from personal experience. My children, now young adults, have grown into wonderful, kind people, but raising them through a difficult divorce and the years that followed was not always easy. There were painful moments. If you’re co-parenting, you likely know these feelings well:
- The ache of time away from our kids.
- The grief of letting go of the family we once pictured.
- The worry about how separation will affect our children, a concern that may ease over time but often stays with us, even as our kids grow up.
The reality is that our children will always have separated parents. As adults, we may remarry, build new relationships, and move forward. Our children carry the change with them, too: shared holidays, split parenting time, parents sitting apart at milestone events. That part is permanent.
But it doesn’t have to define their childhood, and that’s the part we can influence.
We have the ability to make things better, to protect our children, and to co-parent effectively. I’m passionate about supporting separated, divorced, and co-parenting families because I’ve learned so much through my own experience, including from more mistakes than I can count.
That’s why I speak on this topic, write about it, and focus much of my clinical therapy practice on supporting parents and families. Separation and divorce are significant, but children can thrive through them.
What it takes:
Courage. The courage to hold boundaries, to advocate appropriately for your children, and to practice self-control in the moments when you feel like screaming or crying.
Honesty. The willingness to look honestly at yourself, your feelings, and sometimes your pride, so you can do what’s best for your kids.
Humility. The ability to set aside your own needs, which are often valid, in service of your children’s best interests.
Our kids deserve strong, secure relationships with both parents, free from guilt, fear, or anxiety. That’s the goal.
How do we get there?
I don’t have all the answers, but experience has taught me what doesn’t help:
- Revisiting the same arguments with your co-parent again and again.
- Using the children to get even.
- Speaking negatively about the other parent, no matter how difficult that parent may be. I’ve worked with families facing truly challenging situations, so I won’t pretend everyone will get along perfectly.
What does help is a shared commitment to putting the kids first, even when it feels hard in the moment:
- Follow your parenting plan. If you don’t have one yet, create one, then stick to it.
- Use the Parenting Venn Diagram (below) when you’re unsure how to respond to a challenging situation with your co-parent.
None of these steps are easy, and some may feel very hard at times. But with patience and self-control, you can get through this chapter and raise healthy, well-adjusted children.
Join Us for the Workshop
I’m excited to share more in my “Co-Parenting Through Separation & Divorce” workshop, as part of the Empowered Parents, Resilient Children pediatric support series in partnership with Annapolis Pediatrics. Join us for this special live, virtual workshop on November 9th at 7:30 PM. Register to join us live, HERE.
Families can also reach out to me directly at [email protected]. I look forward to meeting you and supporting you on this journey. It’s challenging, but it’s worth it, and if I can do it, so can you.