dad hugging teen daughter perfectionism live class

By Annie Morris, LGPC, NCC, Betty Center and BrykMinds

In partnership with Annapolis Pediatrics' Empowered Parents, Resilient Children - A Pediatric Support Series

It’s 7:42 on a Tuesday morning. Someone can’t find their other shoe. Someone else is upset because their eggs touched their toast. You’ve already rewritten a note for school because your handwriting looked messy the first time.

And somewhere in the middle of the scramble, a thought slips in: I’m doing this wrong.

Not “mornings are hard.” Not “we’re running late.” Just: wrong.

If you’ve had that thought about a lunch you packed, a tone you used, a work email you sent, or a birthday party you didn’t plan, you already know perfectionism—even if you’ve never called it by name.

Perfectionism Rarely Announces Itself

Perfectionism does not always look like color-coded calendars or straight A’s. Sometimes it looks like procrastinating because you are not sure you can do something well enough. Sometimes it is replaying a conversation long after it ends, avoiding a tryout you care about, or redoing something that was already good enough.

The problem is not caring, working hard, or wanting to grow. Those qualities can be deeply connected to our values. The struggle begins when “I want to do well” quietly becomes “I have to do this flawlessly, or it says something about who I am.”.

Perfectionism often promises protection: If I prepare enough, perform well enough, or keep everyone happy enough, maybe I can avoid disappointment, criticism, or uncertainty. But the price of that protection can be high. We become less willing to try, rest, ask for help, or stay present for the life happening around us.

Children Learn From How We Hold Our Own Mistakes

Children do not only learn only from what we tell them. They also learn from what they watch us do and how we react. They notice the sharp inhale after a mistake, the apology repeated five times, and the self-deprecating joke that does not really feel like a joke.

This is not an invitation to blame yourself. It is an invitation to practice something different in plain view. The most helpful question may not be, “How do I get my child to stop being so hard on themselves?” It may be, “How can I show them what it looks like to be human, disappointed, and still worthy of care?”

You Do Not Have to Win an Argument With Your Mind

When perfectionistic thoughts show up, our instinct is often to fight them: “Stop thinking that.” “It’s not a big deal.” “You don’t need to be perfect.” The reassurance is well intended, but it may not land. Trying to eliminate a thought can give it even more attention and power.

Instead of asking, “How do I make this thought go away?” we can ask, “Can I notice this thought, make room for the discomfort it brings, and still choose what matters to me?”

This is modeling the ability to stay present with difficult thoughts and feelings without letting them make every decision. The goal is not to stop caring or to feel confident all the time. The goal is to become less controlled by the demand to get everything right.

Try Changing Your Relationship With the Thought

Can we create a little space between you and what your mind is saying? Instead of “I’m failing,” try “I’m noticing the thought that I’m failing.” Instead of “I have to fix this,” try “My mind is giving me the fix-it story again.”

That small shift does not pretend the thought is unimportant or untrue. It simply reminds you that a thought is something your mind produces, not an instruction you must follow.

With a child, this might sound like: “Your mind is telling you that one mistake ruined the whole game. That sounds painful. Can we notice that story without letting it decide what you do next?”

Let Values Choose the Next Step

Underneath perfectionism, there is often something meaningful: care, growth, connection, courage, learning, or contribution. Values help us separate what matters from the rigid rules perfectionism builds around it.

Ask: “What kind of person—or parent, student, teammate, or professional—do I want to be in this moment?” Then choose one small action in that direction.

If you value connection, the next step may be repairing after a short-tempered evening rather than spending the night attacking yourself. If you value courage, it may be submitting the application before it feels perfect. If your child values learning, it may be returning to practice after a difficult performance instead of waiting to feel completely confident.

The action can be small. Can I bring this doubt with me and take one values-aligned step anyway?

Excellence and Perfectionism Are Not the Same

Perfectionism ties worth to outcome: I am only okay if I perform well. Excellence allows both care and humanity: This matters to me, I will give it honest effort, and my worth will not be decided by the result.

That distinction creates room for a child to enter the science fair because they are curious, not only because they might win. It helps an athlete respond to a mistake with a next-play mindset. It allows a parent to say, “That wasn’t my best moment, and I can repair it,” without moving outside their own circle of care.

Where to Start This Week

Notice one moment when the perfectionistic reflex appears—the redo, the rescue, the avoidance, or the harsh inner narration. Pause and try these four questions:

What is my mind telling me right now?
What feeling am I trying not to have?
What matters to me in this moment?
What is one small step I can take with this discomfort beside me?

The pause may not make the discomfort disappear. That is not its job. The pause creates enough space for something change to happen, for you to respond from your values instead of from fear.

If this resonated, you’re not alone. These are the kinds of patterns we explore in How to Survive Perfectionism, a live virtual class for parents and caregivers led by Annie Morris, LGPC, NCC. No perfect parenting required.